The 147 Best Dad Jokes (That Will Actually Make You Laugh) Coffin Dance 9gag
Dads. They’re famous for their jokes. In an effort to make you smile, or sometimes groan, dad’s are known to pull your leg and turn every situation possible into a joke.
The puns, the literal understandings, and the special perspectives dads have on life are the sources of all dad jokes.
There’s something comforting about dad jokes. Perhaps you’re here for that very reason – you’d like a laugh from a good old dad joke.
Or maybe you’re here for revenge and ammunition to shoot back at dad when he uses his amazing joke skills on you. Or maybe you’re a dad yourself, looking to beef up your dad joke repertoire. Whatever your motive, this is the article for you.
With 150 bad dad jokes to read through, you’re certain to enjoy a few chuckles, make a few faces and let out a few groans by the time you get to the end. We sure hope you enjoy these dad jokes!
Best Dad Jokes
1. I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
2. Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!
3. What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? “Close the door, I’m dressing!”
4. If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
5. I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.What do you call a 6. Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
7. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
8. “Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
9. “My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
10. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
11. I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
12. The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
13. I keep trying to , but it keeps finding me.
14. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container? It said concentrate!
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
16. Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?A: A waist of time.
17. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
18. I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
19. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
20. Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.
21. Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery
22. “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”
23. A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
24. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
25. Q: What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe? A: 400 Million Dollars.
26. So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”
27. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
28. Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
29. What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.
30. Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
Hilarious Dad Jokes
31. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!
32. Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!
33. A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
34. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
35. To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
36. Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
37. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
38. “Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
39. If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
40. “Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
41. “What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
42. I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
43. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!
44. Q: How do you organize an outer space party? A: You planet.
45. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”
46. Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
47. “What do you call a man with no nose and no body? Nobody nose.”
48. What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
49. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
50. Bicycles can’t stand on their own, they’re two tired.
51. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
52. “We were getting fast food when the lady at the window said, ‘Any condiments?’ My dad responded, ‘Compliments? You look very nice today!’”
53. What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
54. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
55. Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where’s popcorn?
56. What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
57. What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
58. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
59. “Hold on, I have something in my shoe” “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”
60. “I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’”
Cheesy Dad Jokes
61. The rotation of earth really makes my day.
62. What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
63. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
64. The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!
65. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands!
66. Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
67. I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
68. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
69. “I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
70. How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
71. “How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
72. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
73. Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
74. What did one snowman say to the other one? “Do you smell carrots?”
75. If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!
76. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
77. “What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.”
78. Without geometry life is pointless.
79. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
80. Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider? A: You spend too much time on the web.
81. Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.
82. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
83. Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.
84. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shihtzu.
85. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
86. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
87. What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles
88. Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
89. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
90. Where’s the bin? Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!
Really Terrible Dad Jokes
91. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
92. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
93. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
94. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
95. I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
96. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
97. Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
98. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
99. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
100. “I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there.
101. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
102. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
103. What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers
104. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
105. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
106. “What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.”
107. What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto
108. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
109. A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
110. I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.
111. How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
112. What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.
113. “How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.”
114. What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? A: catch up!
115. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls!
116. “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”
117. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
118. A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”
119. Dad I’m hungry … “Hi hungry” I’m dad
120. When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.
Stupid Dad Jokes
121. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!
122. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
123. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
124. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!
125. What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business!
126. Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
127. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it!
128. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
129. What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
130. I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
131. Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
132. Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
133. What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!
134. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
135. Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
136. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.
137. My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
138. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
139. I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge.
140. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
141. A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”
142. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
143. “Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!”
144. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
145. Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
146. How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.
147. I’m on a seafood … I see food and I eat it.
Did you laugh? We hope you enjoyed this great collection of classic dad jokes and enjoy telling them to your friends, kids, dad and other family members. As they say, “laughter is the best medicine.” With a bit of humor in your life, you’re sure to reduce your stress levels and feel more positive.
Loved our dad jokes? Share them with a friend! Know more great (or terrible!) dad jokes? Tell us about them in the comments below.
